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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28072752">Remind Me to Forget</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_sus/pseuds/red_sus'>red_sus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Hospitals, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Memory Loss, POV Multiple, Sad Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, Timeskips, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, i mean i guess it's an au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:47:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28072752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_sus/pseuds/red_sus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Yamaguchi begins slowly losing his memories, and Tsukishima doesn't know what to do when it keeps getting worse. </p><p>The sad, slow-burn fic literally no one asked for, but I wrote anyway as the result of listening to too many angsty songs.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so... hi. hopefully you're having a nice day. </p><p>anyway, i tried to keep most of this as accurate as possible, but there will be some creative liberties taken for the sake of my sanity and ease of writing.</p><p>thanks for reading! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*deep breath* here we go</p><p>my apologies if the writing is choppy at first, i promise it'll get better in the next few chapters! it's my first time writing something like this so i hope it's ok </p><p>let me know if there's anything to improve! (especially typos, i wrote the last bits of this without looking because i wanted to watch a horror movie, lol)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> June 4, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Yamaguchi?” </p><p> </p><p>He blinked at the sound of his name. “Yeah?” he replied a few seconds later, still not sure who had asked in the first place. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re up to serve again,” Daichi said. <em> Again? Already? </em>It seemed like it had just been his turn not too long ago. Peculiar. Yamaguchi nodded, gave a quick apology, and then proceeded to completely botch the serve. </p><p> </p><p>His body tensed as the volleyball rammed into the net. What was that? He’d been getting so much better recently, and this was already the second time today he’d messed it up so badly. He stepped off the court and leaned back against the wall next to Tsukishima, wishing he could shrink into himself. </p><p> </p><p>“Pull yourself together,” he muttered to himself. Tsukishima glanced at him sidelong from behind his glasses before returning to watching the others serve. Yamaguchi swallowed tightly. <em> Just stress, probably, </em>he thought. Right?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Sugawara said.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hi,” Yamaguchi said, slightly startled. He had been practicing his serve some more after practice had ended, trying to figure out why he had been so off today. He’d been totally fine for the hour he’d been practicing so far. Sure, he’d flubbed a few serves, but not like how he had earlier at practice. </p><p> </p><p>“You sure you’re okay?” Sugawara asked. He seemed concerned. </p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he said. <em> Mildly awkward, </em>he thought. He was thankful for Sugawara’s concern and all, but it made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He’d been sleeping poorly for a while now, but he hadn’t thought it had impacted anything that much. Especially enough that other people would notice. </p><p> </p><p>“Alright. You’ve just seemed a little off recently.” Suga shrugged. “Maybe it’s just me,”</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi gave his own shrug in return while thinking, <em> Or maybe it’s just me.</em></p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> June 20, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His parents were getting worried. </p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi didn’t see the problem. He was just tired, just having a bad week, but his parents claimed this so-called “bad week” had been going on for almost two months. </p><p> </p><p>As he sat in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, he couldn’t help but feel annoyed. As always, he was grateful for the concern, but he knew himself better than anyone. He would know if something were <em> actually </em>wrong.</p><p> </p><p>He scrolled boredly through his phone until he heard his name called. He was handed a form and told to fill it out. He grimaced at the questions - they seemed to all be about depression, which he was sure he didn’t have. He was just tired. What was so wrong with that?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>hi</p><p>can you talk rn</p><p> </p><p>Tsukishima stared at the messages. This was certainly out of the ordinary. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>yeah what about</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>do you think i’m acting weird</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>i mean</p><p> </p><p>He paused. What was this about? Yamaguchi had been a little weird recently, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell him that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>why do you ask</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>it’s... complicated</p><p>just tell me</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>just a little weird</p><p> </p><p>There, he said it. The text bubble kept forming and disappearing, as if he couldn’t figure out how to reply. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>my parents think something is wrong with me</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>why</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>i don’t know</p><p>i have to go but i’ll talk to you later</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>yamaguchi what’s wrong</p><p> </p><p>He waited a few long minutes for the reply, but it never came. He normally tried not to worry about such things, but… </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>hello</p><p>you there</p><p>yamaguchi?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> June 29, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Stupid. </em>he thought over and over as he stared out the window. Yamaguchi was supposed to be paying attention to the teacher, but he still couldn’t take his mind off what had happened over a week ago. He was trying his best to block it out. Because nothing was wrong with him.</p><p> </p><p>He was <em> fine. </em></p><p> </p><p>He didn’t need a psychiatrist.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t need any sort of medication.</p><p> </p><p>He was absolutely, positively, <em> fine. </em></p><p> </p><p>It had become his mantra over the past few days. (i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine) No one believed him. What irritated him even more was that he had overheard his mother on the phone a few times since the doctor discussing his nonexistent “condition”. Every night, he’d be asked about it, and every night, he’d vehemently deny anything was wrong, which only seemed to fuel their fears even more. A vicious cycle, it was.  </p><p> </p><p>And it seemed like he wasn’t getting out of it for a while.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m <em> fine </em>!” he shouted. Both of his parents stared, taken aback, but he didn’t care. He was fed up. “You ask me this every day, and every day, I tell you I’m fine. And every day, you ignore it.” His continuation of his mini-speech only earned him more incredulous looks. “Why is this such a surprise to you?”</p><p> </p><p>They exchanged a glance before his mother sighed and shook her head. </p><p> </p><p><em> “What?” </em>Yamaguchi asked, exasperated. He only received another shake of her head, the standard response now, it seemed. “Just… just forget it,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.” </p><p> </p><p>He retreated to the safety of his room, pinching the bridge of his nose. </p><p> </p><p>(i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine nothing is wrong with me i’m fine i’m fine)</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> July 9 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was empty without him again.</p><p> </p><p>He’d never admit it to anyone, but Tsukishima missed having Yamaguchi at practice. He’d taken the last week off at his parents (forced) request. They thought it was some sort  of concussion, but Tsukishima doubted it. </p><p> </p><p>He shoved his stuff into his bag and pulled out his phone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>you know when you’ll be back?</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>no</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukishima:</b>
</p><p>oh</p><p>He frowned and sighed. <em> Soon, </em>he told himself. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> July 26, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>hey tsukki</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>yeah</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>i’m not going to be at practice for a while</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>wait why</p><p>i thought it was only two weeks you had to miss</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>it was but</p><p>things changed</p><p>i’m fine though</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>oh</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>don’t worry about it</p><p>they’re just overreacting</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>ok</p><p>you sure you’re good?</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>yes</p><p> </p><p>He sighed, leaning back in the semi-uncomfortable chair. Yamaguchi was already pretty annoyed he had to be here in the first place, and the doctor running almost an hour late certainly wasn’t helping his mood. </p><p><br/>
At first, he was relieved at the sound of the door clicking, but then he remembered that with the promise of company, incessant questions always followed. He forced his way through normal pleasantries - <em> hi how are you </em>and the like. The doctor introduced himself as Dr. Takahashi, but Yamaguchi had already known this much from his parents' (also incessant, not to mention easily overheard) conversations. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m just going to ask you some questions for now. Is that ok?” Dr. Takahashi asked. Yamaguchi only gave a nod in reply. “Have you been sleeping alright recently?”</p><p> </p><p>“I guess,” he muttered. In truth, he hadn’t slept well in a while, but he wasn’t going to set himself up. </p><p> </p><p>Dr. Takahashi nodded, entering something in his laptop. “Have you felt depressed recently?”</p><p> </p><p>He considered before lying, “No.” He wouldn’t be feeling depressed if his family wasn’t looking at him like he was crazy.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you doing well in school?” the doctor continued.</p><p> </p><p>“Why does it matter?” Yamaguchi blurted, earning him a pointed look. “Well enough,” he amended before adding, “I guess a little worse. There, some truth. </p><p> </p><p>Dr. Takahashi nodded again. “And you still like seeing your friends and family?”</p><p> </p><p>“I miss my friends,” he said slowly. “But my parents act like I’m insane.” Why was he teling him this? It’s not like his honesty would really change anything, but he guessed it was worth a shot. The doctor stared at him for a second, but quickly recovered his professionalism. <em> Odd, </em> he thought. </p><p> </p><p>(he thinks you’re nuts he knows you’re nuts i’m fine i’m fine i’m FINE)</p><p> </p><p>“Are you using any substances?” Now it was Yamaguchi’s turn to stare. Great, not only did they think him insane, but also a drug addict. </p><p> </p><p>“No. Never,” he said quickly. Ironic how one of his truths sounded so much like a lie. </p><p> </p><p>The doctor called in his parents while he was ushered outside. Immature as it was, he strained his ears to listen. It was his health, after all. Why shouldn’t he know?</p><p> </p><p>“... for agreeing to talk privately,” his mother’s voice said. So she probably requested that he be kept in the dark about this. He nearly rolled his eyes before remembering there were other people nearby. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t quite place a diagnosis with confidence yet,” the doctor said. Yamaguchi wasn’t able to catch the next few sentences, but he could tell it wasn't what anyone wanted to hear from the few words he did make out. </p><p> </p><p>Hallucinations.</p><p> </p><p>Depression.</p><p> </p><p>Memory loss.</p><p> </p><p><em> Ridiculous, </em> he seethed to himself. <em> Because I am absolutely, positively, </em>fine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wow what have i just gotten myself into? somebody take my sad music away from me</p><p>thanks so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed and the next chapter will hopefully be posted within 10 days, but this requires a ton of work/planning and there are other fics i'm writing (not to mention i can't stick to a schedule to save my life)</p><p>p.s. - i deleted about three pages of the beginning and rewrote all of it, so if it's been a while since the last update, i'm probably doing that again because of my fake ocd.</p><p>p.p.s. - if this is typo-filled that's because i posted this at 1am, but i think i got all of them, please forgive any i will find them eventually :o</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey everyone! sorry this took so long, i know this is a bit of a short chapter, but my winter break ended and my teachers are making sure i have no free time, so i figured this was better than nothing. even if it takes a while, i promise i'm still writing! if my schedule is pretty crowded in the future i'll try and post a shorter chapter like this.</p><p>thanks! &lt;333</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> July 30, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi’s parents kept him home since then. They were more hyperaware of his every move than before, which he didn’t think was possible. He still had no idea what the doctor had said to make them so worried, other than those few snippets. It was ridiculous. If they were so concerned for his mental health, then why were they cutting him off from everything he enjoyed? He hadn’t been to practice in two weeks, going on three. Miserable as he could be sometimes, he missed seeing Tsukishima, too. </p><p> </p><p>(why won’t they let me go back i’m fine i’m fine nothing is wrong with me i’m fine please let me go back) He frowned, rubbing his temples as if it might counteract the constant noise in his brain. So loud. Everything was so loud. He let out a long sigh. He just wanted to go back to normal. He stared at the ceiling until he heard his phone buzz. He picked it up, only to find there were no new notifications. Weird. He was sure he had heard it. He turned it off and on again, but still nothing. He sighed again, feeling foolish. (who would want to talk to the insane kid anyway) </p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi! We needed to leave five minutes ago!” his mother shouted up the stairs. That, he was sure he didn’t imagine. He grimaced, suddenly remembering his parents were insistent upon taking him to <em> another </em>doctor who would ask strange questions and make him vaguely uncomfortable. ‘A second opinion,’ they had claimed. What a joy. </p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>Tsukishima was worried. </p><p> </p><p>As much as he might want to deny it, Yamaguchi...he wasn’t right, somehow. He had run into him once at the store. They’d only talked for a few minutes, but he could tell that his friend’s mind was elsewhere. </p><p> </p><p>He hated that he was so concerned over it. It wasn’t any of his business, but here he was, about to poke his nose into it anyway. He’d already deleted and rewritten his message about three times now, and was considering just forgetting it, but the nagging part in the back of his brain wouldn’t let it go that easily.</p><p> </p><p>On draft number five, he deleted the message and left the box for it empty. After all, if Yamaguchi said he was fine, he’d know better than anyone else. <em> Nothing to worry about, </em>he told himself. He could only hope it was true. </p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>Those words again, swimming about behind closed doors and reverberating through his head. (they all think you’re depressed and they think you’ve lost it i’m fine nothing is wrong with me they’re wrong i’m fine)</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t depressed, and more importantly, he wasn’t insane. If they would just listen to him for once, listen to him and actually <em> hear </em>him, everything would be fine. At least this time had gone significantly better than the last.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>It had been suggested that he go back to some kind of normal everyday activity, since being stuck at home all the time certainly wasn’t doing his mental health any favors. He was thrilled at the idea, but his parents were still skeptical about it, as expected. Somehow they had agreed - he was going back on Monday next week - but Yamaguchi wasn’t sure how long it would last. He didn’t want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>guess what</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>what</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>i said guess tsukki!</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>idk just tell me</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>fine</p><p>i’m gonna be back on monday</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>oh cool</p><p>what’s the occasion </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>idk really but i’m not arguing</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>you coming to practice too</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>yup</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p><p>nice</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi grinned to himself. Monday couldn’t come fast enough.</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> August 6, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He’d forgotten how hectic it could be sometimes. But other than having to ask the staff for his locker combination (he wasn’t surprised he’d forgotten it; after all, it had been a while), it wasn’t anything too terrible. Even if he was completely miserable here, which he certainly wasn't, it was better than sitting around doing nothing all day. </p><p> </p><p>Well, maybe.</p><p> </p><p>Wherever he went, whispers trailed behind him about where he’d been, what was wrong with him (nothing). Tsukki had told him not to worry about it, but Yamaguchi couldn’t bring himself to block it out. <em> Stupid, </em>he chided himself.</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. Now wasn’t the time to worry about that. He was finally back at practice. He’d never been particularly incredible at volleyball, and he hadn’t thought about it much recently, but being surrounded by the sounds of shoes squeaking on the floor, volleyballs smacking against the ground, even Kageyama and Hinata constantly arguing… it felt familiar. Like nothing had ever changed.</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> August 11, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi wasn’t sure what he did to make fate smile upon him, but he wasn’t complaining. His parents had agreed that he’d definitely been (less weird less insane less like the lunatic they thought he was) happier recently, and as of now, he was still going to school and practice as he normally would this week. Just as he’d insisted, he was totally fine. </p><p> </p><p>Absolutely, completely fine.</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> August 14, 2012 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tsukishima kept glancing over at Yamaguchi. He seemed… <em> off </em>… somehow. The dead silence of the room wasn’t helping, either. Like every other time he caught himself worrying in the middle of class, he refocused his thoughts to whatever he was supposed to be doing. And like every other time, he was less than successful. It was none of his business, as he so often reminded himself, so he had no reason to be concerned. </p><p> </p><p>Just as he was finally getting back to his half-finished assignment, he heard Yamaguchi say, “No, I’m all right, thanks,”, garnering stares from almost the entire room, Tsukishima himself included.</p><p> </p><p>What was that about? No one had said anything. Maybe just… thinking out loud? He chewed on the inside of his lip. He wanted to believe Yamaguchi was fine, but that was just plain weird, not to mention out of character for his friend.</p><p> </p><p>And as snickers popped up around the room, he realized that as much as he tried to inwardly deny it, he was increasingly convinced that Yamaguchi was anything but fine.</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi had never been so embarrassed in his life. Everything had been going so well recently, then he had to go and ruin it. (you thought a nut job like you could ever go back to normal) He wasn’t even sure <em> how </em>he had ruined it. </p><p> </p><p>All he knew was that the teacher had asked if he needed any help, since he had apparently looked confused, and he’s simply said no. Once again, he was glad for the concern, but he really wasn’t feeling it right now. According to Tsukki, no one had said anything. But he had heard those words, he was sure of it. </p><p> </p><p>Naturally, the school had called his parents, and his streak of ‘normal’ days had ended. He felt sick inside. Somewhere in the back of his brain, the word came to him, but left just as quickly as it had appeared.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed and muttered to himself, “I’m fine. It’ll be okay,” He wasn’t sure why, but he repeated it in his head a few times. After all, it <em> had </em>to be okay, since he was okay, and that was the only logical solution. </p><p> </p><p>(such a shame no one listens to you a shame they never will)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks so much for reading and supporting my fic! xoxo &lt;3 much appreciation to those who left comments and kudos!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey guys! i know the first two chapters were pretty similar, strictly for the purpose of building up some background. this one is where things start to get interesting (aka where i start regretting things), so i hope you enjoy and thanks so much for reading!</p>
<p>(i'll say this a ton more times in the end notes, but my apologies for the long wait!!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>August 16, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Back like this again already. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Stuck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Absolutely, positively, stuck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>September 23, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>hey</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>hi</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>are you gonna come on thursday</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>i can’t</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sorry</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tsukki:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>no it’s fine</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima had known not to get his hopes up, especially after a few weeks ago, but he still felt that drop in the pit of his stomach. He’d never really made a big deal out of his birthday before, and he still didn’t, but...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>September 27, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Happy birthday!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima inwardly sighed. He was hoping that no one would say anything, but luck wasn’t on his side recently. He saw Hinata smiling, along with the rest of the team - minus Yamaguchi, as per what had become normal. He gave them an awkward expression and a quiet “thanks” before continuing on his way. He wasn’t really in the mood for that right now. He felt mildly bad about it, but brushed it to the back of his mind. He’d worry about being nice later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His brother smiled and waved when he got home, but he only returned a small wave before going to his room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He almost dropped all his things on the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you said…” Tsukishima started. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi grinned. “I wanted to surprise you. I’m staying over for your </span>
  <em>
    <span>birthday,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” he said, emphasizing the word more than necessary.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stared, not sure what to say, so instead he grinned back. Yamaguchi fumbled around a little with something for a minute. Then he handed Tsukishima an unassuming white cardboard box. “Open it,” he said, excitedly shoving it towards him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima took it, slightly confused, and pulled the lid off. Inside sat a little green plastic dinosaur. He held it up and laughed a little before setting it on the shelf above his desk. “Beautiful,” he said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you gonna name him?” Yamaguchi asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima considered for a minute. “I don’t know yet.” In truth, he hadn’t really been planning on naming anything, but he supposed it didn’t hurt. “I’ll think of something.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have all night,” Yamaguchi said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess so,” he replied.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>September 28, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes cracked open and he felt different (gone gone gone empty gone gone).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something was missing. He didn’t know what, but there was a gaping hole somewhere in his mind and he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. His mind grasped for anything it could hold onto, which happened to be some kind of grounding technique for when his head got too loud that one of those thousand doctors had told him about. (i’m fine nothing is wrong i’m fine i’m fine my name is)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was it. His name was gone, the only thing he had left that was truly his, his identity, gone now, gone gone gone-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tried again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My name is-</span>
  </em>
  <span> but the syllables refused to come to mind, to leave his tongue, to form the words. His breathing hitched in his throat, panic rising up inside the pit of his stomach. Salty tears started to streak down his cheeks as he reached for the sounds that were not there, curling his knees to his chest as if he could hide from everything, even if just for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know how long he lay like that before someone started talking to him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tadashi?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And there it was, those seven letters, three syllables, returned to him just as suddenly as they had been taken. The tightness in his chest finally released. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I forgot it,” he murmured, so quietly even he could barely make out the words. “I forgot it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you forget?” He now recognized it as Tsukki’s voice. He said it slowly and carefully, and for the first time in a while, Yamaguchi didn’t feel like he was being treated like a child who knew nothing at all. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My name,” he said, still barely a whisper. He looked away, now realizing he was still half-crying, half-not. “I forgot it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Tsukishima said. Then, after a pause, “You remember it now?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded. “Yeah. You reminded me.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a while, but it wasn’t entirely awkward. Still, he wanted to say something, anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he blurted, almost instantly regretting it. “For… that.” He swallowed tightly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima didn’t say anything for a minute (now you’ve done it even he hates you now). “It-” he started, faltering. “It’s fine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi didn’t look over at him, eyes still stinging. “I… I shouldn’t have come.” And he meant it. It was a stupid idea, but here he was anyway, because… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He sighed. “I just…” He turned more towards Tsukishima, but was still looking at him through his peripheral vision. “Please don’t tell them.” he said quickly, panic returning to him, so familiar now it was like an old friend. “Please don’t tell them, I can’t…” And there he was spiralling down, down into that abyss that he tried to avoid, and he felt his heart beating against his chest as his breathing picked up and oh god if his parents knew, if they knew what had happened-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay. I’ll keep it a secret, all right?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi nodded, swallowing hard. It would be fine. It would all be fine. It was just-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Constantly hearing how much was wrong with him (it’s true it’s all true) was like a self-fulfilling prophecy, he guessed. “Thank you,” he said quickly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima didn’t know what to do. He had two options and neither of them were good. He didn’t want to break his promise to Yamaguchi, but that… it scared him a little. What if it got worse?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What if it was already too late? He couldn’t let himself just sit there. He knew Yamaguchi was… getting worse… but he didn’t want to say anything. He wanted to tell someone, he wanted to keep it secret, but what he really wanted was for Yamaguchi to be okay.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>guys. i am so sorry this took so long. long story short, life got crazy. it do be like that sometimes :0 so yeah anyway, i hope this wasn't a total disappointment for how long it took to publish, my bad. thanks so much for reading, it means a ton when you guys leave kudos and comments! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>September 29, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi still had that awful empty feeling inside him. It wasn’t like before, but the lingering remnants floated around, refusing to leave him alone. He trusted Tsukishima. He always had, but something in the back of his brain wouldn’t let him relax, forget about it, move on with his life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be okay. He’d just panicked, that was all. What had happened wasn’t exactly normal, he guessed, but he’d never been good under pressure. Given, it had been self-inflicted pressure, but that still counted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just don’t think about it, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he told himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Easier said than done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He regretted it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He should’ve listened, should’ve kept his promise, should’ve just let it go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>September 30, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet another day he’d have to spend sitting around listening to what was wrong with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi had no clue as to why he’d suddenly had to go to a doctor he didn’t remember the name of. Nothing had happened. They didn’t know what had happened three - no, two - days ago. They would never know what happened two days ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But somehow here he was, back in the uncomfortable plastic chair about to be peppered with questions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You remember me from last time, right?” the doctor asked. Yamaguchi did remember him. His face was familiar, but his name evaded him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he said instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doctor nodded and Yamaguchi risked a glance up at him. He didn’t think he was always this terrible with names. Maybe it was just the flurry of new faces that had been thrown at him through the past few months. It wasn’t even that he had totally forgotten the doctor’s name, it was right there somewhere in his mind and he just couldn’t bring it to the surface. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was handed a form with now vaguely familiar questions and he filled them out silently before handing it back to the doctor whose name was there but not there. He had tried to answer the same as he usually did, but he wasn’t sure if everything was identical. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time, he was not ushered out of the room when his parents came in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His parents said good afternoon to the doctor - Takahashi, that was his name. It had just popped into his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s time we look into some sort of…” the doctor began, pausing uncomfortably. “Medication for your son. To improve his memory,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi blinked and (idiot idiot they think you’re insane) swallowed tightly. “I’m fine,” he whispered. He received a sympathetic glance from Dr. Takahashi while his parents looked at each other. “I’ll be okay without it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one bothered to reply to him. Dr. Takahashi was already scribbling something on a slip of paper and telling his parents to have it filled and telling them not to worry but they were clearly worried and it was all moving too fast and-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried taking a deep breath but it didn’t help. He was okay. Why couldn’t anyone else understand that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>October 3, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p><p>
  <span>hi</span>
</p><p>
  <span>can you talk</span>
</p><p>
  <span>just for a minute, it’ll be quick</span>
</p><p>
  <span>please?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima stared at the messages. He didn’t need for Yamaguchi to tell him what had happened. He knew Yamaguchi wasn’t nearly as fine as he insisted he was. He wanted him to get help, but going behind his back like that… He still wasn’t sure whether that had been a good thing or not. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even worse was the fact that Yamaguchi had trusted him to keep it a secret, and he hadn’t. Sighing, he flipped his phone over so the screen still lighting up with messages was hidden. Later. He’d figure it out later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi was tired and felt like he was going to be sick. He’d been taking whatever drugs he’d been prescribed for all of three days and he felt worse than he did beforehand. His head was swimming so badly he didn’t know why anyone thought this would help him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d gone to a therapist the doctor had recommended yesterday, which hadn’t helped either. Theyd talked about setting goals, or something like that. He didn’t really pay attention, nor did he make any effort to recall much of it. The only part that still stuck in his mind was that now there was another person on the ever-growing list of people who thought he was (insane stupid useless worthless crazy) sick. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thought he’d heard someone call his name about midway through the session, and when he looked around for the source, he had not only found none but a skeptical glance from everyone in sight. Which, to be fair, was only one person, but… Yamaguchi had always been more of a pessimist than an optimist, and he couldn’t help but wonder how badly that affected teh therapist’s opinion of his mental state. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Currently, he was impatiently waiting for Tsukishima to reply to him. He knew he’d received it; the ‘read’ message had appeared. The voice in the back of his brain wouldn’t leave it alone, either (he hates you now he doesn’t want you around him since you’re so messed up). </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>October 8, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi was still feeling sick every time he took that medicine. He’d finally found time to talk to Tsukishima who was oddly quiet the whole time. It wasn’t helping him feel any less anxious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His parents certainly thought there was an improvement in him, though. He wasn’t seeing any difference. He glanced at the pills he was supposed to be taking. He held one up, considering it, before tucking it under a paper in the trash can. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He would be okay. After all, he always was.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks so much for reading and all your support! reading all your comments makes my day &lt;3 once again, my apologies for the delay. i've still been really busy but things are more under control now so hopefully i'll have more time to write. thanks for sticking with me and my terrible update schedule!! &lt;333</p><p>p.s. - this was originally going to be almost triple the length, but i felt like that was too much to happen in a single chapter. i couldn't find any other logical place to break it up, so that's why this chapter was on the shorter side. thanks!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>October 10, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I feel so bad for him,” Hinata said. “We should surprise him or something!” Tsukishima chewed the inside of his lip slowly as Hinata continued rattling off ideas. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It seems like a nice idea,” Sugawara said. “Tsukishima, you know him best. What do you think?” Tsukishima inwardly grimaced. He was really hoping no one would ask him, but he guessed he couldn’t get away with it. He really didn’t feel qualified to talk about Yamaguchi anymore. He wanted to tell him, he really did, but… He had a sneaking suspicion Yamaguchi wouldn’t be quick to forgive, and he didn’t want him to have to deal with that too. And then there were still the messages Yamaguchi had sent him, still unanswered. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he said, swallowing. “Seems fine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ok. Let’s go!” Hinata said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t just show up as his house. You’re stupider than I thought you were if that’s your plan.” Kageyama said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hinata scowled. “Well, you’re stupid for thinking I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span>-” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima sighed. He never could stand their bickering, but especially not now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 15, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi paused at the sound of his mother’s voice. His father was out running an errand, so he didn’t know who else she would be talking to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I’m not sure. It’s like he got better and then just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew that tone of voice. It was the one she always used when she talked about him. But he wasn’t getting worse, he was getting </span>
  <em>
    <span>better. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He didn’t feel sick and nauseous all the time anymore. So when she got off the phone, he told her how terrible that medicine had made him feel, how it was so much better now, but she just seemed even more worried and upset than before and he was trying to explain it better, clearer this time but she was already back on the phone and it was too late too late again (she thinks you’re lying she thinks you’re getting even crazier, no one will listen to you they all know you’re insane and even your friend won’t talk to you anymore).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why couldn’t they just listen to him?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His mother was off the phone now and telling him to get in the car, and since he didn’t want to (disappoint her more than he already had) make her mad so he did. He recognized the route they took and his stomach was already turning. He had never particularly enjoyed the doctor’s, but he hated it even more now. He pulled out his phone and sent a few messages to Tsukishima who (unsurprisingly) didn’t reply. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know what he did to lose his best friend so quickly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Yamaguchi:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>hi</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>i really need to talk rn</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>please answer </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Just answer him, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Tsukishima told himself. He didn’t know what he’d say if he did. His fingers hovered over the keys, thinking of all the words he could form, but none of them seemed right. So he left the message box empty, and hated himself for it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I heard you haven’t been taking your medicine,” Dr. Takahashi said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi shifted uncomfortably. “It makes me feel sick.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The doctor nodded. “Side effects are common. They’ll eventually go away if you take it consistently enough. Do you think you can do that?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He frowned, looking at the ground. His hands were cold and clammy, and he folded them in his lap in an effort to keep them from shaking. His anxiety was only getting worse the longer he stayed there. His head nodded up, automatically forming the answer he knew that was wanted from him before he stopped for a split second. Still, he forced out a quick yes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The doctor was still talking about something but he couldn’t focus on any of the words. He barely noticed it at first, but then the snippets turned into sounds and nothing more and he felt himself scrambling to grasp on to any semblance of familiarity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>October 19, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to talk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi swallowed tightly but didn’t say anything. He hated those words. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t keep doing this. It’s not healthy.” his mother said, holding the still full bottle of pills. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he said, not making eye contact. “I can’t - I don’t… I’ll...” He reached for the bottle but she pulled it away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 21, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what else to do,” his mother muttered, running her hands through her hair, the movement full of stress. “You’ll have to get your things in order…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” he said, squinting as if it would clarify things. “Where are we going?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She gave a sigh and a pitiful glance. “You don’t remember?” He shook his head, trying desperately to recall anything. “Last night?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 20, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No. No. I’m fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not… I’m worried. If I wasn’t sure this was the best thing for you-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not! You can’t just-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 21, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yes. That was what was happening. “Please. No,” he said, heart speeding up in his chest. “I’ll be better, I promise. Just don’t, please, I’ll be better…” He knew he was rambling but he was so desperate at this point he didn’t, couldn’t stop.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know how else to help you,” she said. “You - we - can’t go on like this. You’re getting worse, I’m worried…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I’m fine,” he said, but no one was listening. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima’s phone kept incessantly buzzing and ringing. He stared at Yamaguchi’s name on the screen and sighed slowly. He knew he couldn’t go on like this together. He sighed again and answered the call.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They were both quiet at first before Yamaguchi said, “You have to help me.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What… what’s wrong?” he started slowly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They think… they think I’m sick or something, but I’m not.” Tsukishima felt something drop in the pit of his stomach. Guilt. Or anxiety. Maybe both.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to form the words to tell him, but his throat closed up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not now, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Another time. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell them,” Yamaguchi was saying. “Tell them nothing’s wrong with me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t,” was all he said in reply. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “They’re sending me to the hospital. To </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima stared blankly. “What?” He heard muffled voices from the background, then another silence.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I have to go.” Then he hung up.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks so much for reading! all your comments, kudos, and support means the world to me! &lt;3</p>
<p>apologies for the wait, but this was another chapter with a ton of rewriting/editing and i haven't been feeling my best recently. i can't thank you guys enough for sticking with this!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a bit of a filler update - more action soon to come!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>October 22, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi was lonely. He wasn’t alone, actually. People swarmed by him all day, asking him questions, checking his pulse among any number of things. He hadn’t been able to find any free time to talk to Tsukki, either. He didn’t like it here. It was always cold, the sheets on the bed were stiff, and everything just felt empty.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At least he had his own room (since you’re crazy), though maybe he would’ve liked the company. The quiet was maddening most of the time, leaving him alone with his thoughts. The few times he was alone were tainted by anxiety about what would happen next.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All he wanted was to go back to normal. Was that too much to ask?      </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 23, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima took a deep breath and tried to ignore his heart pounding in his chest. He thought he had been worried before, but this was a new level of anxiety. He didn’t know what to do, what he’d say, anything to make this more normal. He found himself pushing open the door anyway, almost as if he wasn’t the one doing it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stared for a split second before ripping his gaze away. “Hi,” he said, still looking around at nothing. Yamaguchi looked… not right. Empty, somehow. He could see it in the way he smiled, waved back. “How have you…” Tsukishima was leaning awkwardly against the wall, feeling out of place. His friend gave a shrug, but didn’t elaborate. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The team misses you,” he said out of nowhere. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Yamaguchi said. “I miss them too.”    </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima glanced over to Yamaguchi. He was sitting in a chair with his knees pulled to his chest, idly picking at his fingernails. “I… it’s lonely,” he said, their eyes meeting. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I bet,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They both sat silently as the minutes ticked by. Tsukishima tried to think of something to say. The silences between them were becoming more frequent, and he felt desperate to try and fill them. Everything just felt so </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The Yamaguchi he knew wasn’t like this. Sure, he had never been particularly outspoken, but this more anxious, unsure version was still a major difference. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to say he had to go do homework he didn’t have, shifted around. Then he saw Yamaguchi sit upright, the most alert he’d seemed all day. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please don’t leave me again,”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thought of all the texts and calls he’d left unanswered for the longest time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Again. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He instantly regretted his almost-lie. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” he said, slouching back into his original position. “Never.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi nodded quickly. “Okay. Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Tsukishima said weakly. “No problem.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tsukishima felt disgusting. His friend shouldn’t have to ask for him to stay. It seemed that everything he did just managed to backfire tremendously. The hospital’s visiting hours had closed long ago, but he was still thinking about it. In fact, it was all he could think about. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’d been killing time walking around aimlessly. He hoped that if he returned home late enough, he could avoid being asked ‘how it went’ or the like. Unfortunately, it seemed Akiteru had practically been waiting for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Any news?” he asked. Tsukishima shrugged a shoulder in reply before he disappeared into his room. The dinosaur figurine was still sitting where he’d left it, almost as if it was taunting him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’ll get better soon, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he told himself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t the first time he told himself lies, nor would it be the last.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>October 25, 2012</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yamaguchi kept hearing voices. Distant, but distinctly voices. In any other scenario, he would’ve been panicking. They became his sort of company. The doctors said it wasn’t normal, wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t care. Tsukishima came by every day, but it barely made up for the many hours he spent alone with his thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just hoped this would all be over soon. Everyone said he could go home soon, that they could help him, but none of it ever seemed to be true. The past few months of his life had been built on a fragile foundation of false hope and broken promises. He didn’t know what was worse - that he knew it was going to continue, or that he’d grown so used to it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>as always, thanks to each and every one of you for your support! i know i sound cheesy and repetitive, but that's because i've never been very confident in my writing, and seeing people interested in it makes my day. in the future i hope to upload ~every two weeks, so fingers crossed! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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